There has been a load that I have been carrying for three years. I’ve referenced it in some previous posts, although my messages have been somewhat cryptic. I was badly hurt, really betrayed by someone who I worked for and thought very highly of, and considered a friend. It was one of the most painful times in my life and I chose to walk away from a job, really a vocation, that I truly loved. As I have said before, sometimes you have to do what you believe is right in your heart.
It took me a while to look through the hurt and find the anger. But, when I was actually able to let myself feel anger, I knew it was a first step, as crazy as that may sound.
And, after the anger, came the desire to forgive, but that was not a switch that I could just turn on. I prayed and prayed and everything I heard during lent focused on forgiveness. I wanted to forgive, I really did, but I just didn’t know how and when I thought that I did, did I really?
A couple of days ago, this person reached out to me, after three years, to ask me if I still had a presentation that we had created for the children. It was a friendly text, and I had to think, as I have done before, that he really wasn’t aware of what he had done and how much hurt he had caused. I stared at the text for a few minutes, really not knowing what to do with it.
In the end, I realized that I had to be true to who I am and so I provided the slides that I found in my computer.
After the exchange, I realized that, by the Grace of God, I was able to interact with this person in a totally detached way. There were no strong feelings, positive or negative.
Reflecting back later that day, I was filled with joy. This had truly been a gift from God. I finally felt closure, and I felt that I had really forgiven this person. By no means was this all my doing! This was a joint effort, surrender on my small part, God’s largesse on the other.
If you ask me to define forgiveness, I would still struggle, but now, I do know exactly how it feels….it is such a freedom… that weight that has been on my heart has been transformed into a thousand butterflies.