There has been a load that I have been carrying for three years.  I’ve referenced it in some previous posts, although my messages have been somewhat cryptic.  I was badly hurt, really betrayed by someone who I worked for and thought very highly of, and considered a friend.  It was one of the most painful times in my life and I chose to walk away from a job, really a vocation, that I truly loved.  As I have said before, sometimes you have to do what you believe is right in your heart.

It took me a while to look through the hurt and find the anger.  But, when I was actually able to let myself feel anger, I knew it was a first step, as crazy as that may sound.

And, after the anger, came the desire to forgive, but that was not a switch that I could just turn on. I prayed and prayed and everything I heard during lent focused on forgiveness.  I wanted to forgive, I really did, but I just didn’t know how and when I thought that I did, did I really?

A couple of days ago, this person reached out to me, after three years, to ask me if I still had a presentation that we had created for the children.  It was a friendly text, and I had to think, as I have done before, that he really wasn’t aware of what he had done and how much hurt he had caused.  I stared at the text for a few minutes, really not knowing what to do with it.

In the end, I realized that I had to be true to who I am and so I provided the slides that I found in my computer.

After the exchange, I realized that, by the Grace of God, I was able to interact with this person in a totally detached way.  There were no strong feelings, positive or negative.

Reflecting back later that day, I was filled with joy.  This had truly been a gift from God.  I finally felt closure, and I felt that I had really forgiven this person.  By no means was this all my doing!  This was a joint effort, surrender on my small part, God’s largesse on the other.

If you ask me to define forgiveness, I would still struggle, but now, I do know exactly how it feels….it is such a freedom… that weight that has been on my heart has been transformed into a thousand butterflies.