I have a little book of ‘would you rather’ questions. I use it with the teens, they love to answer these. Some of them are very silly, some make you think. I stumbled upon this one…
‘Would you rather know what is going to happen in your future….or….go back and change something in your past?’
For me the answer took no thought at all, but after I answered it, I began to really think. I said that I would rather know what is going to happen in my future. I began to think….how blessed I am that I didn’t have such a horrible childhood that I wouldn’t want to change it. Of course, there are some things that I could change, but then I think of all of the children who are abused in some way, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and I thank God. I think of children who have no food, no home, no parents, who live in a world of torment and turmoil, and after I offer prayers for them, I thank God. I think of my own family and friends who have grown up in homes where children were not wanted, valued or loved. These people would probably select the ‘change the past’ choice, and rightly so.
So, by choosing the ‘know the future’ option what am I saying about trust? No matter how much I talk about surrender and letting go, I still go for that ‘I want to know’ choice. I still want my nightlight as I venture into the darkness. I love the stories about ‘letting go’, step off the cliff and you will be caught or sprout wings, etc. but when I am standing at that edge, I want to see how big those arms are that promise to catch me.
And, the funny part is, I am battling against myself. The reality is that we don’t know the future. It’s a fun game to play, but that’s all it is. No amount of wanting, worrying or fearing is going to give me a crystal ball. Sooner or later it does become a matter of trust, and it goes beyond ‘feeling’ to choice. I must choose to take that step into the darkness and trust. Trust.