Sometimes I get so tired of defending myself! Why is it that some people always want to think the worst of you? The questions get very wearisome. Did you do this? Why did you do that?
Am I too naive to assume (now, that’s a dangerous word) that people are not always out to ‘get’ others? Oh, those who always look for the worst in people really irritate me and drag me down! What ever happened to trust?
But, I think that what gets me more aggravated than anything is when I get sucked into the downward spiral and start tripping over myself to defend my actions or words. It happened yesterday.
I was questioned about a choice I made. My hope was that everyone involved knows me well enough to know that I had valid and solid reasons for my decision, and I did. It was a fair decision. It’s not that I can’t be questioned, I am always happy to discuss my actions and motives, but when the question comes with a ‘tone’, it hurts.
Someday I hope to be able to simply smile and say, ‘trust me, I made a fair decision’, but instead, I went into a long discourse explaining, clarifying, expounding, and justifying. Now, you may think that my going on and on may make me sound guilty, but it wasn’t so. I was just so hurt that I needed to make this person understand that I am not the ‘evil monster’ that I was perceived as. Why was it so important to me that this person understand? Some people just never will.
Questions will always be asked, accusations will always be made, that I can’t change. What I can alter, however, is my response. If I am truly comfortable and confident with my decisions, I should be able to respond with a simple and straightforward answer. And then, I should turn and walk away, not in an arrogant or smug manner, but one that makes me feel as though I haven’t stumbled all over myself. It’s me that needs to change. Today I will practice my ‘Cheshire Cat’ smile!
Lent isn’t over yet….perhaps this is something to work on.